Volume 41 Number 05
                 Produced: Mon Nov  3  5:32:33 US/Eastern 2003

Subjects Discussed In This Issue: 

Alzheimer's Disease (2)
         [Elanit Z. Rothschild, Batya Medad]
Disability Hardships--Practical Advice
         [Russell J Hendel]
Hair Covering
         [Batya Medad]
Relying on the Rabbi
         [Yakov Spil]
Shidduch Alternatives (2)
         [Yehonatan Chipman, Akiva Miller]
Size of Rallies in Israel
         [Arie Weiss]
T'filla for the State of Israel
         [Immanuel Burton]
Walking a Stranger home after Davening
         [Arie Weiss]
Water flowing Uphill
         [Bernard Raab]


From: Elanit Z. Rothschild <ezrothschild@...>
Date: Wed, 29 Oct 2003 07:06:27 -0800 (PST)
Subject: Re: Alzheimer's Disease

While I can't give any halachic advice, here is some practical steps you
might want to consider.

The first thing you need to do is join a support group.  My grandfather
was diagnosed with Alzheimer's seven years ago, and joining a support
group helped my mother, aunt and grandmother (all three of them being
the primary caregivers) accept the fact that my grandfather was never
going to be the same person again, and it allowed them to be open and
honest with each other (and others in the group) about how they were
feeling.  One of the nasty side effects of this disease is the emotional
toll it puts on the caregivers-- and this can not be stressed enough.
Your wife is the one with the illness; but you are the one suffering and
going through all sorts of turmoil inside.  Talking about it with
complete strangers, and hearing other people's experiences help move you
past that first stage tremendously.

You should also speak to an elder law attorney.  The earlier you
understand the consequences for your future, the better prepared you
will be to "enjoy the benefits" later on.  What I mean by that is this:
there are laws in place in most states that you need to be aware of that
will allow you to get the best medical treatment for your wife possible
later on.  She will need special living arrangements as the disease
progresses, obviously medication costs, supplies, etc.  All this can
take a financial toll on the caregiver and you want to be prepared, to
know what you and your wife are eligible for now, and more importantly,
what you and your wife will be eligible for in the future.

Everyday, there are new developments in Alzheimer's treatments.  Stay
informed.  Be alert.  Become an Alzheimer's expert.  Check websites for
new information, have an open dialogue with your wife's doctors.  A new
drug will be on the market come January, and while its not a "wonder
drug," it has gotten rave reviews in Europe.  Most of the drugs out
there don't reverse course, but instead keeps the disease in a holding

Lastly, don't go down this road alone.  If you have family that lives
close by, take advantage of them (and I say that in the best way
possible).  That is what family is for.  It might be difficult at first,
but they will come around.  It might be hard to believe, but our
relationship with my grandfather has been better over the last 7 years
than it was in the past-- my younger cousins have done all sorts of
things in helping my grandmother take care of him, and because of it,
they have grown so much closer.  It's a different type of relationship,
yes.  But Alzheimer patients can suffer for 10 years, even more, and the
worst thing that can happen is for relationships to suffer as well.

Here are a few online resources, if you haven't found them yet: 
The Alzheimer's Association:  http://www.alz.org/mainpage.htm
Alzheimer's Disease Education & Referral Center:
Alzheimer's Disease International: http://www.alz.co.uk/

Find a local chapter and join.  Also, buy the book, "The 36 Hour Day,"
it's a good resource.  If you need/want more details about anything I
wrote above, please feel free to contact me personally.

My heart goes out to you and your family.  May you only find strength in
this hardship.

Elanit Rothschild

From: Batya Medad <ybmedad@...>
Date: Wed, 29 Oct 2003 05:52:52 +0200
Subject: Re: Alzheimer's Disease

Refuah shleimah, and may G-d give you strength.

It sounds like your wife shouldn't be left alone.  Of course we have no
idea where you live, but is there a place she can go to during the day
in the area?  Since being alone could be dangerous, it may be
permissible even to send her to a non-Jewish/religious program.
Shabbat, of course is an additional problem.  Are there any support
groups for you?  Do you have any children or family to help?  It's too
heavy a burden for just one to carry.



From: Russell J Hendel <rjhendel@...>
Date: Sun, 2 Nov 2003 23:15:45 -0500
Subject: Disability Hardships--Practical Advice

I am sure we were all moved about the couple where the wife developed
Alzheimers. The mail-jewish family wishes them healing.

But the issue is not one of Alzheimers. It is an issue of ANY

For example, 2 years ago, my mother, walked out of an elevator that
stopped 3 feet above the ground. She fell and broke her \ collar bone.

My father went thru the same thing that the person who posted went
thru. He had to cook, shop and do everything for my mother (The only
difference was that we all knew that my mother would get better).

My mother has 4 children (one of which is in Israel). One child lives
within 20 miles the other 2 children live 300 miles away.

So what we did is to take turns. We each came in one day a week (at
least) so that in effect a child was there 3-4 times a week

We helped in the shopping and cooking. This was a great relief to my
father, may he rest in peace. My mother recovered within 7 weeks (I
believe the attention we showed her helped the healing process).

So a simple solution to disability is to have children and neighbors
help. It doesnt have to be great help. But if everyone does one little
thing the overall effect can be great.

I should add that after my father, may he rest in peace, passed away,
the 3 of us continue to visit my mother on a rotational basis. My
brother from Israel calls frequently.

Needless to say if money is available hiring help once a week is

Also during this period it is important for the couple to go out more
often and be together more often. If you dont want to cook 7 nights a
week then go out once or twice as income permits.

Again citing stories from my own family: My mother at one point in her
life complained about being cooped up in the house cooking for the 4
little children. So my father, may he rest in peace, promised to take
her out once a week (And he took her out every Thursday and we all knew
that that was the day we went out and mommy didnt cook)

And never despair---medicine discovers things all the time that
alleviate things that yesterday we thought were incurable.

As far as halachah is concerned, your wife has a status of doing things
accidentally. For example the WHOLE purpose of the Shabbath candles is
to bring about PEACE in the house...therefore we should not say anything
if it was forgotten to light them.  If the turning off of lights on
Sabbath becomes a problem you can buy switch guards.

Hope the above helps.
Russell  Jay Hendel; http://www.Rashiyomi.com/


From: Batya Medad <ybmedad@...>
Date: Wed, 29 Oct 2003 20:01:27 +0200
Subject: Re: Hair Covering

      there doesn't seem to be a "standard" Jewish covering, which isn't
      the case with Moslems, and so again, it probably wouldn't dawn on

Not so, re: the Moslem women.  They may not have the variety--hats,
wigs, scarves, etc--we have, but I see Moslem women frequently, and
their hair covering is not strictly uniform.



From: Yakov Spil <yspil@...>
Date: Wed, 29 Oct 2003 07:33:30 -0500
Subject: Relying on the Rabbi

>The rabbi is there to teach and apply the Torah, but it is Hashem who
we are ultimately answerable to, not the rabbi.<

This is a mistake.  I fully understand the motivation with which this
was written, but it is based on a mistaken notion.

And that is all we have is our poskim.  They interpret the Torah for us
and help us in our individual situations to apply the halocho correctly
for our unique situation.  Torah Lo Bashamayim He- means precisely this-
we do not have to pray to Hashem for inspiration in how to conduct
ourselves according to Halocho- that is the responsibility of our
Rabbonim and Poskim.  Once we get an answer from them- and that's what
we follow- we are, for lack of a better expression- in the clear.  We
have fulfilled our responsibility and we need not do anything more.
That is how powerful Daas Torah is.

This was asked to Rav Moshe zl and this was his response.  He said if
the posek makes a mistake- it is on the posek's shoulders, not the one
who asked.  And this he said on himself for, as we know, Rav Moshe did
seem to change his mind over years on some issues.

Once we have asked we may feel assured we are doing the Ratzon Hashem.
Or else, how could we ask a shaila???

Yakov Spil


From: Yehonatan Chipman <yonarand@...>
Date: Wed, 29 Oct 2003 21:17:30 +0200
Subject: Re: Shidduch Alternatives

In v40n99, Tzadik Vanderhoof wrote:  

<<I was quite shocked to hear that a rabbi was "telling everyone" that
they could not warn a woman that the man she was considering dating had
been abusive to his previous wife because of lashon hara, and I was even
more shocked that "everyone" was apparently obeying....>>

I couldn't agree more.  The midrash says that one who speaks lashon hara
is "as if spilling blood."  But if an abusive husband kills his wife,
he's spilling her blood quite literally.  Between fifteen and twenty
Jewish women were killed by their husbands last year (and a similar
number in other previous years).  And even if those who are violent to
the ultimate are a small number, no woman should have to suffer stam
physical abuse or more than minor and rare verbal or psycholgial abuse

Yehonatan Chipman

P.S. Rav Avraham Twersky (i?) has written a significant book on marital
abuse in Judaism, both in theory and as a phenomenon in the Orthodox
community. Sorry, don't know the title.  Also, Naomi Graetz has a book
on Talmudic and Rabbinic sources on the subject.  Ditto.

From: Akiva Miller <kennethgmiller@...>
Date: Wed, 29 Oct 2003 09:28:30 -0500
Subject: Re: Shidduch Alternatives

Anonomous wrote: <<< I have also been on the other side of this---seeing
a women dating a man I KNOW is abusive, etc and the rabbi has forbidden
anyone from saying anything to the unsuspecting woman. >>>

With all due respect and sympathy to Anonomous, I wonder if he/she is
perpetuating that rabbi's crime by not identifying him. Don't we need to
know who this person is, this "rabbi" who refuses to warn people about

Akiva Miller


From: <aliw@...> (Arie Weiss)
Date: Wed, 29 Oct 2003 20:59:50 +0200
Subject: Re: Size of Rallies in Israel

I was at an anti-Oslo rally in Jerusalem which covered emek 
hamatzleva (Wolfson buildings intersection) up to the Knesset with 
demonstrators. The police estimate was close to 250,000. The 
organizers' estimate was 300,000. Israel tv's reporter said 50,000 


From: Immanuel Burton <IBURTON@...>
Date: Wed, 29 Oct 2003 12:59:15 +0000
Subject: RE: T'filla for the State of Israel

In MJ v40n98, Janice Gelb gave a link for a Hebrew version for the
prayer for the State of Israel.

The Authorised Daily Prayer Book of the United Hebrew Congregations Of
The British Commonwealth (aka the Singer's Siddur) gives a different
version of this prayer.  I have scanned this prayer, and uploaded it to:


Immanuel Burton.


From: <aliw@...> (Arie Weiss)
Date: Wed, 29 Oct 2003 21:11:55 +0200
Subject: Re: Walking a Stranger home after Davening

> 2 - (I don't have the source at my fingertips) It is meritorious (as
> they say) to walk a stranger (visitor) home after davening, lest he walk
> alone.  (Presumably due to potential danger.)  -- does anyone have more
> on this?
> Carl Singer

see Rashi and the Maharal on Devarim 21, 7, the Egla Arufa. Did the
elders have to declare that they didn't murder the stranger ?  They were
lax by (inter alia) not accompanying him on his way.


From: Bernard Raab <beraab@...>
Date: Wed, 29 Oct 2003 10:18:23 -0500
Subject: Re: Water flowing Uphill

David Charlap writes:

> If the water is exposed, as in a river, it will never ever flow
>uphill.  Momentum has nothing to do with it.  Water always flows to a
>lower elevation.  If there is no lower elevation to flow to, it will
>collect and form a pool.  When the level of water in the pool rises
>enough to spill over an edge, the water will resume flowing downhill.

Of course this is true in physics lab and most of the time in real life,
BUT...we are blessed wiyh a view of the Hudson River here in NY, just 1
mile south of the GW Bridge, and I can testify that there are times that
the river does reverse its course! This is no doubt due to the action of
the incoming tide. Nevertheless, it does flow uphill for this period.
Things are rarely as simple as taught in physics 101.


End of Volume 41 Issue 5