Volume 23 Number 30
Produced: Mon Mar 4 6:23:59 1996
Subjects Discussed In This Issue:
mail.jewish Purim edition (Part 1)
[Sam Saal]
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From: Sam Saal <saal@...>
Date: Wed, 28 Feb 1996 15:38:54 -0500 (EST)
Subject: mail.jewish Purim edition (Part 1)
Dear mail.jewish readers
It gives me great pleasure to present to you this year's Purim issue of
mail.jewish.
This edition conains several parts.
- The normal Purim edition of mail.jewish.
- A "Purim Spiel on Megillorigamology" available as a PostScript file
(purim96.ps).
- Three essays, available either as PostScript or as WordPerfect (5.1)
files, by Eli Clark (<ECLARK@...>). If you have more recent
editions of WP or have Word 3 or newer, You will have no trouble
reading these WP files. Unfortunately, I can't vouch for other word
processors, but if you can't handle the PostScript, try downloading
these files and importing (reading) them with your favorite PC-based
word processor. The files are:
WP5.1 PostScript
----------- ----------
kidbook.wp kidbook.ps
nofesh.wp nofesh.ps
teller.wp teller.ps
You can find The Purim Spiel, WP and PS files in the mail-jewish
archives on Shamash in the directory ~ftp/israel/lists/mail-jewish/Purim
(i.e. if you log on with ftp, cd to israel/lists/mail-jewish/Purim), or
if you use the Web, open up http://shamash.org/mail-jewish and click on
the Purim link under new.
Sam Saal <saal@...>
Vayiphtach HaShem et Peah haAtone
-----------------------------
>From Steven White <StevenJ81@...>
Date: Sun, 28 Jan 1996 21:01:11 -0500
Subject: Synagogue fund raising made easy
Status: RO
X-Status:
Sent by Steve White and several others
CONGREGATION AGUDATH ISRAEL OF MONSEY
To address simultaneously two long standing problems in the orthodox
community, the lack of decorum and the lack of funds, our synagogue
is pleased to provide you with the following schedule of unacceptable
behavior and fines for violations:
BEHAVIOR FINES
Sleeping during the Rabbi's Drosha ------------------------ $ 36
Surcharge for snoring -------------------------------- 54
Checking watch during Drosha, Rabbi facing your direction ---- 72
Cinspicuously reading unrelated Sefer during Drosha ---------- 180
Drosha longer than Davening ---------------------------------- 270
Announcements longer than Davening --------------------------- 360
Leaving lollipop stick on carpet ----------------------------- 18
Leaving lollipop stick on carpet, candy still attached ------- 54
Finish Amidah after Rabbi ------------------------------------ 72
Duchening - socks not fresh ---------------------------------- 180
Duchening - no socks ----------------------------------------- 360
Starting the wave -------------------------------------------- 900
Removing the good stuff before throwing the candy bag -------- 36
Harmonizing with Baal Tefillah off key ----------------------- 36
Singing with Baal Tefillah, different melody ----------------- 54
Complaining about the air-conditioning, non-member ----------- 180
Taking seat of person called to Torah ------------------------ 72
Taking seat of Rabbi during Drosha --------------------------- 360
(Fine waived if Drosha is longer than 30 minutes)
Nudging Gabbi for Aliyah within 5 years of last Aliyah ------- 36
Kiching person out of your seat (arrival during Mussaf) ------ 90
Surcharge if evictee uses cane -------------------------- 90
Surcharge if evictee uses walker ------------------------ 180
Saving seat for someone coming during Mussaf ----------------- 90
Saving a seat for someone you know is not coming ------------- 180
Talking ------------------------------------------------------ 36
Talking Lashon Hora ------------------------------------------ 54
Talking Lashon Hora, person two seats away can't hear -------- 90
Remaining in Shul with crying baby
First minute --------------------------------------------- 54
Next 60 minutes ------------------------------------------ 72
Kol Nidre surcharge -------------------------------------- 36
Communicating with spouce across the mechitza
Hand signals --------------------------------------------- 18
Shouting ------------------------------------------------- 36
Smoke signals (Shabbos) ---------------------------------- 54
Placing Tallis in bag before end of davening ----------------- 36
Placing someone else's Tallis in your bag -------------------- 54
Leaving lipstick imprint on suddur --------------------------- 54
Leaving lipstick imprint on siddur, men's section ------------ 108
Having a child bring in coat before Aleinu
1 coat --------------------------------------------------- Free
2-4 coats ------------------------------------------------- 36
Wrong coat ------------------------------------------------ 54
Wrong child ----------------------------------------------- 72
>From <CHIHAL@...> Wed Feb 14 15:17:59 1996
Date: Wed, 14 Feb 1996 15:24:50 -0500
Subject: Recent Rabbinic Decisions
The Elder Eda Haredit of B'nai Brak, which currently certifies
that Dubek cigarettes are kosher for Pesach, has announced it will upgrade
its hechsher on cigarettes. For a mere extra $6.50 per pack, not only will
they certify the coffin nails are kosher -- they will certify they are
_glatt_ kosher. However, any cancer they detect in your lungs will render
the cigarettes retroactively regular kosher -- and you will have to kasher
your lungs with a blowtorch. (Rashi: "With a welding torch.")
* * *
The Epikoreser Rebbe today stunned legions of loyal followers by
announcing his decision in the famed "Multi-Muddener Minyan" Case. The
Rebbe, whose rulings are strictly followed by everybody on the entire planet
-- except Jews -- paskened that a tiny shul in Frostbite Falls, Canada, could
count multiple personalties if they were short for a minyan. The ruling was
especially significant for Frostbite Falls, whose only residents are Royal
Canadian Mounted Police, circuit judges and ambulance-chasing lawyers who
took a wrong turn at Minnesota. Joyful Judaic judicial officials have now
built a shul which they have named "The Minions of the Law." (Tosfot: "The
multiple personalities count as a minyan only if they are male. Thus, `The 3
Faces of Eve' would not have counted.")
<Chihal@...> (Yeshaya Halevi)
From: Eliot Shimoff <shimoff@...>
Subject: The Gettysburg Address
Date: Wed, 21 Feb 1996 08:23:18 -0500 (EST)
Received from Eliot Shimoff and others
Forescore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a
new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the propisition that all
men are created equal. Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing
whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long
endure. We are met on a great battlefield of that war. We have come to
dedicate a portion of that field as a final resting place for those who here
gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and
proper that we should do this...The world will little note nor long remember
what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us
the living, rather, to be dedicated here for the unfinished work which they
who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be
here dedicated to the great task remaining before us--that from these honored
dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last
full measure of their devotion-- that we here highly resolve that these dead
shall not have died in vain--that this nation, under God, shall have a new
birth of freedom--and that the government of the people, by the people, and
for the people, shall not perish from the earth.
Yeshivish Translation
Be'erech a yoivel and a half ago, the meyasdim shtelled avek on this makom a
naiya malchus with the kavana that no one should have bailus over their
chaver, and on this yesoid that everyone has the zelba zchusim. We're
holding by a geferliche machloikes being machria if this medina, or an andere
medina made in the same oifen and with the same machshovos, can have a kiyum.
We are all mitztaref on the daled amos where a chalois of that machloikes
happened in order to be mechabed the soldiers who dinged zich with each
other. We are here to be koiveia chotsh a chelek of that karka as a kever
for the bekavodike soldiers who were moiser nefesh and were niftar to give a
chiyus to our nation. Yashrus is mechayev us to do this...
Lemaise, hagam the velt won't be goires or machshiv what we speak out here,
it's zicher not shayach for them to forget what they tued uf here. We are
mechuyav to be meshabed ourselves to the melocha in which these soldiers made
a haschala--that vibalt they were moiser nefesh for this eisek, we must be
mamash torud in it--that we are all mekabel on ourselves to be moisif on
their peula so that their maisim should not be a bracha levatulla-- that
Hashem should give the gantze oilam a naiya bren for cheirus-- that a nation
that shtams by the oilam, by the oilam, by the oilam, will blaib fest ahd
oilam.
Weiser, Chaim M. 1995. The First Dictionary of Yeshivish. Northvale,
NJ: Jason Aronson, P. xxxiii.
>From <Dan_B_Goldish@...> Tue Feb 27 14:58:24 1996
Subject: mj purim edition fillers...
Here's an immitation of Porky Pig paskening a shayleh:
"Lehatchilah, it's asur... but b'di b'di b'di b'di b'di eved,
it's mutar!"
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This guy goes to his rabbi and asks him if a man is permitted to
attend the opera because of the issur of kol-isha? The rabbi
answers him, "He's not _over_ till the fat lady sings!"
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This boy was having a lot of trouble learning his bar mitzvah
lessons, so he finally decides to just memorize everything.
He memorizes the brachos, shacharis, the amidah, the layening,
maftir, his speech, musaf, the works. All down "oys-venik."
Finally, he's called up for his aliya, and recites confidently
"Borchu es ad-noy hamevorach." The congregation replies,
"Baruch ad-noy hamevorach leolam va'ed" And the boy turns
around and says to the congregation, "I KNOW!!! I KNOW!!!"
An ehrliche yid takes his talis to the Chinese laundromat to
be cleaned before yontiff. He comes back a couple of days later
and asks the proprietor how much it costs? "$300", he replies.
"Why so much?!!" the outraged yid asks. "Well," answers the
Chinaman, "$5 for cleaning; $295 for removing all those knots!"
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English translation of "hakafos": Jewish Jogging.
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This Chinese man comes home from his business trip and says to
his wife, "Honorable wife! I heard while I was away on my trip,
that you were with another man." The wife answers, "Honorable
husband! This is not true, it is a lie." The husband says,
"Honorable wife! I heard while I was away on my trip, that you
were with an American man." The wife answers, "Honorable
husband! This is not true, it is a lie." The husband says,
"Honorable wife! I heard while I was away on my trip, that you
were with an American Jewish man." The wife answers, "Honorable
husband! This is not true, it is a lie." Then she asks him,
"Who has been telling you such bubbe meysehs anyway?"
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Rosenbloom is finally allowed to join the posh WASPish country
club, which had never allowed Jews to join. Once inside, he
meets another man and asks him his name. "Goldstein" replies
the other fellow. Rosenbloom asks, "But I thought that **I**
was the first Jew to join this club. What gives?" Goldstein
answers him, "You are. I'm not Jewish, even though my name
sounds Jewish." Rosenbloom is astonished! "Are you sure you're
not Jewish?" he asks. "Positive," replies Goldstein "and my
father wasn't Jewish either. Nor was my grandfather Jewish.
Even my great-grandfather, zichrono l'vracha, wasn't Jewish!"
Date: Tue, 27 Feb 1996 16:42:33 -0500
From: "Francine S. Glazer" <fglazer@...>
Subject: purim torah that harry wrote, for m.j
Purim Torah
An Excerpt From A Talmudic Debate
Talmud Bubbly
Tractate Sabbath
Page 305, side B
.. . . and Rav Poopa stated, in the name of Rav Boopa, "Holiness rests on
those who observe the Sabbath with great vigor. What is great vigor
on the Sabbath? Reciting morning prayers at an early hour, singing
Sabbath hymns, and eating cholent." Rav Shtupa stated "I have
heard it taught in many prominent Yeshivot that there is more merit
in eating gefilte fish on the Sabbath than there is in eating
Cholent." Rabbi Hoopa said "What Yeshivot were they?" Rav Shtupa
answered "The Yeshivot I attended."
Rav Coopa said "Gefilte Fish is greater than cholent, for cholent
is not desirable in warm weather and gefilte fish can be eaten all
year round, as the verse in Leviticus states "Moses said to Aaron,
feed me not this cholent for the sun is verily hot. My heart longs
for the stuff with the carrot slice on top." Rav Goopa said "Perhaps
Moses was referring to garden salad, not gefilte fish." Rav Coopa
said "No, this is not so, because gefilte fish has always been
served with slices of carrot on top. Garden salad only includes
carrot slices if a filler is needed."
Rav Joopa stated "Certainly cholent is not to be eaten in the
summer. I have heard that Rav Doopa once ate a bowl of cholent in
July and sweated so much that his Tzizit stuck to him for two
weeks." Rabbi Toopa said "I was a student of Rav Doopa and I knew
that he rarely changed his tzizit anyway. So this was a very grievous
thing (for him to eat cholent in July and sweat so much)."
Rav Whoopa said "These views are mistaken. Cholent is the preferred
food, because it contains many ingredients and needs little
preparation. From where do we know that many ingredients are
desirable? Because it is written that our father, Abraham, served
the angels many foods and they blessed him." Rav Goopa said "Perhaps
this was because Abraham was a good cook, not because of the variety
of food." Rav Whoopa said "No, this is not so, because scripture
says that Abraham sent away Hagar, the handmaid, with bread and a
bottle of water. We know by tradition that this was the only meal
Abraham knew how to prepare." Rav Goopa asked "So who prepared the
bountiful meal for the angels?" Answered Rav Whoopa "This was
take-out food."
Take-out food is valued by the scripture, as it is written "And
the Jews took out unleavened cakes from Egypt." Rabbi Loopa said
"Cholent is preferable, for it is dark-colored and this reminds us
of the land of Israel." Rav Toopa asked "What part of the land of
Israel?" Answered Rabbi Loopa "The small park behind the King David
Hotel." Rav Shtupa said "Gefilte Fish is better, because it reminds
one of the white color of manna." Said Rav Whoopa "Everyone knows
that white stains easily so it is not preferable."
Rav Hoopa said "Let a vote be taken then, to answer this vexing
question." Asked Rabbi Foopa "A secret ballot or a vote by raising
the hands?" Answered Rav Goopa "Raising the hands is preferable,
because it is written "And when Moses' hands were raised, the
children of Israel were victorious in war over the people of Amalek."
"Not so," said Rav Joopa."Secret ballots are better, for it is
written "No one know what is in the heart of man except Gwd."
Answered Rabbi Loopa . . .
Written by
Harry Glazer
February 25, 1996
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End of Volume 23 Issue 30