Volume 23 Number 31
                       Produced: Mon Mar  4  6:24:24 1996

Subjects Discussed In This Issue: 

mail.jewish Purim edition (Part 2)
         [Sam Saal]


From: Sam Saal <saal@...>
Date: Wed, 28 Feb 1996 15:38:54 -0500 (EST)
Subject: mail.jewish Purim edition (Part 2)

From: Shmuel Himelstein <himelstein@...>
Subject: chumra of the week
Date: Fri, 23 Feb 1996 15:39:43 +0200 (IST)

Mehadrin min hamehadrin min hamehadrin is pleased to present:
     The Chumra of the Week Club.
        Are you jealous of Yankel's Chumras?
        Do you want to go one (or more!) better than Shmerl?
        Have you ever been tongue-tied when asked: "Maybe you have a 
        new little Chumraleh for me?"
        If you have been faced by any of these dreadful scenarios, JOIN 
        UP NOW!
        Chumrah of the Week Club is a new concept in real, authentic 
	Upon joining, we will immediately send you - as your
	introductory selection - the choice of three Chumras in
	any of our present-day Chumra fields (more to be added
        Choose from Chumras in:
		Tefillin and Tzitzit (special introductory offer - both count 
		as one)
		and many more.
	(Sorry, due to market economics, we must limit ourselves to Bain adam 

        After receiving your three introductory Chumras, you will 
receive, each week by mail, a new, EXCITING additional Chumra which 
you can immediately put into use. Within a short time you will have 
amassed a Chumra list that will amaze your friends and make you the 
envy of your Kollel or Shul.
        Our guarantee: if the Chumra we send you is inappropriate for 
ANY reason, you are entitled to exchange it within 7 days of receipt 
for a new Chumrah of your choice.
        Reasons for exchange include:
        You are already observing a Chumra of equal or greater 
stringency (unlikely - our Chumras are pre-selected for their 
uniqueness and stringency).
        Your neighbor is already observing a similar Chumrah, heaven 
        You want to be the first one in your community with this 

We can assure you that all our Chumras are of the highest quality. We 
have a full-time staff busy combing the Bar Ilan CD ROM for the most 
obscure Chumros. (For an added fee, we can guarantee a personal Chumra 
taken from a source other than the CD ROM - guaranteed to be unique and 
to amaze all your friends.)

To apply for Chumra of the Month Club, please fill out the following 
form scrupulously:
Name________ ben ______ ben ______ ben _____ (Sorry, anyone unable to 
supply genealogical data for the past four generations is not 
Address: _______
To custom-tailor your Chumra selection, please fill in the following:
Litvak? ____ Chassid? _____ FBB? (Frum Before Birth?)____
Nusach: Ashkenaz ____ Sefarad ____
Check the type of Chumras you wish to receive:
a) Regular ____
b) Super-frum ____ (add 50%)
Even greater uniqueness available - check with us for full details. All 
correspondence in this regard will be kept in the strictest confidence.

Among the obscure Chumras we have found for our many overjoyed 
customers, we have used the following literary sources: the "Pi 
Ha'ason," the "Al Tagidu Be'gas," and the "Shtus Vehevel."

DON'T WAIT ANOTHER MINUTE: Join the Chumra of the Week Club NOW, and 
change your entire life style, while serving as a source of heavenly 
envy for all your friends.
Remember our motto: "'Yiras Shamoyaim' means fear of what the other guy 
will say."

           Shmuel Himelstein

From: <rrosen@...> (Richard Rosen )
Date: Tue, 27 Feb 1996 19:49:04 -0800

                               TALEISIM EAST

	Once again this year Taleisim East, America's leading Judaica 
emporium, is pleased to offer to its friends on Mail-Jewish a sampling 
of unusual and desirable items of Jewish interest.  Because we under- 
stand the needs of all Jews, irrespective of their affiliations, we 
have achieved the kind of reputation we truly deserve.

	For 5756 we are featuring a wide variety of Tefillin.  What 
follows are just a few varieties of these holy boxes, along with items 
of related interest.

	 1.	The modern Jew is as health conscious as are all 
Americans, and busier than most.  Thus it's a real blessing to be able 
to combine exercises of the soul with those of the body for efficiency. 
How can this be done?  With _Rite Vibes_, our new vibrating Tefillin!  
This miraculous innovation allows you to tone your body while you 
intone your prayers.  It's a wonder no one thought of it before.
	 2.	Another modern time saver is _Knot No More_, our new 
pre-wrapped tefillin -- slip on, slip off.  
	 3.	And an even faster way of getting the feeling of the 
morning even if you lack both the time and the dedication is with 
Taleisim East's new-as-the-morning-paper Tefillin Press.  Just slide 
your arm in and push the button.  It gives you that authentic "I just 
davened" look without the hassle.
	 4.	You may, on the other hand (or is it the other arm?) 
prefer not to leave evidence for all to see.  That's a problem simply 
solved with our all new velvet covered straps to avoid unsightly 
tefillin marks.  We're the store that has something for everybody!
	 5.	Don't you just hate it when you see those holier than thou 
guys put on two sets of tefillin as if to show up everyone else?  Don't 
get mad, get TE's newly available _Rabbenunu Tam Tam Tefillin_.  Since 
the recent discovery that Rabbenu Tam's grandson followed a third 
tradition regarding the arrangement of parchments, we have been able to 
offer this important addition to your arm-amentarium (sorry) of ritual 
objects, giving our customers the opportunity to don three sets of 
tefillin.  That will put you one a-head (I did it again, didn't I?) of 
those show-offs.  And don't get just one set.  This is the perfect gift 
for the man who thinks he has everything.
	 6.	You're a vegetarian -- no, not just a vegetarian, a Vegan. 
 You don't even wear leather or wool, let alone have furniture 
upholstered with Nauga hides.  And all of your spare time is devoted to 
having the polyester declared an endangered species.  You're playing 
for keeps!  But the tefillin you wear: what about the scrolls and the 
leather batim and straps?  What's a Vegan to do?  Simple!  Get yourself 
_Tofillin_ -- the tofu based phylacteries (whatever that means).  100% 
vegetable based, but indistinguishable from the real thing.  Now you 
can pray without preying.  (Also from TW, tofu based mezzuzot and 

	Your shul will also want to take advantage of some of our new 
products, especially our Torahs and Torah accessories.

	 1.	_Electronic Torah Reader_ -- No ba'al koreh?  No sweat!  
This electronic miracle reads itself.  The system scans either through 
the yad or via an overhead text reader.  With your back to the 
congregation they'll think it's you who's leyning.  Comes with male or 
female voices (or can include only male if Kol Ishah is a problem) -- 
specify SATB and annual or triennial cycle.  But that's not all.  Blow 
your friends away at your child's Bar/Bat Mitzvah.  The _Electronic 
Torah Reader_ also comes with adolescent male and female voices which 
will save a lot of preparation time so your darling can go to Little 
League or ballet practice rather than waste time learning.
	 2.	_Video Torah_ -- Not every congregation can afford a Torah 
with a cost of tens of thousands of dollars.  TE's _Video Torah_ is the 
answer for them.  The "scroll," when opened up, reveals a video screen 
connected to a VCR which is playing our new Torah Tapes.  The Rimonim 
are actually antennae, so the system can be used for conventional 
reception when the Torah isn't being read, and, in addition, _Video 
Torah_ is cable ready.  Sephardic version opens and stands on the bimah 
where it can be seen and followed by the entire congregation.  Whether 
Ashkenazic or Sephardic, the Video Torah can be linked to the 
_Electronic Torah Reader_ in our unique package, _The Eternal Word_.
	 3.	_YadMan_ -- Even if you've got an acomplished reader, 
there are times that help is needed.  Our remarkable helping hand 
detects light levels in shul and turns on a finger-tip light if the 
level is low.  And it also contains a pen tip for correcting errors in 
the sefer.  Comes in right and left-handed models.
	 4.	_Torah Lite_ -- With posts and handles made of graphite, 
and parchment from thin-skinned calves, this is a Torah that anyone can 
lift without getting a hernia.  Isn't that a killah!
	 5.	_LoTignov_ -- Police recommend this anti-Torah-theft 
device.  Incorporated into the poles, this electronic transponder can 
be triggered if your scroll is stolen.  When Rabbi S_______ discovered 
that one of his temple's scrolls had been taken he alerted the Torah 
Police and within an hour it was located and reclaimed before anyone 
had a chance to say a brochoh over it or to read from it.  It's now 
safely back in its proper place with the other seventeen scrolls and 
can be seen annually when the ark is open on Simchat Torah.
	 6.	Every now and again one of your shul's torah scrolls is 
found to be posul, and while it's still in the aron the practice is to 
tie the gartel around the outside.  Wouldn't it be nice to have one 
specially for the occasion?  Well, we wouldn't discuss a need unless we 
could fill it.  And we can.  Decorated with the universal "Don't" sign, 
a red circle with a diagonal line on a white background, suspended 
below the cord this item boasts an extra warning sign in pure silver 
plate.  The sign can read, "Down, but not out," "Close but no cigar," 
"Letter Imperfect," "Deal me out," or whatever indication of the 
scroll's nature that you would like.  Chas v'chalila you'll need this 
item, but far worse to be without if you do need it.
	 7.	We are all commanded to write our own Torahs, but how many 
of us do?  Who but a trained sofer has the skill and patience?  Now you 
can do it too.  _Torah Perfect_ makes it possible for anyone to write 
his own Torah, and every one is a masterpiece.  How do we do it?  We 
commissioned one of the greatest and most artistic sofrim in the 
business to produce the outlines of every letter in the sacred scroll 
using all the bells, whistles and flourishes that have made him famous 
both in this world and the world to come.  We have transferred his work 
onto fully sewn and mounted parchments which make up the entire Sefer 
Torah.  The parchments are mounted on beautifully crafted Atzei Hayim 
and all that remains is for you to fill in the letters using the quills 
and inks that come with your order.  So that there will be no damage 
caused if you should inadvertently write outside the lines, apart from 
the outlined letters, the entire parchment is coated with a washable 
shellac which prevents the absorption of ink anywhere but its intended 
place. You could even spray paint the parchment and wash off the excess 
ink afterward, but that's not quite in the spirit of the endeavor. When 
ordering, please specify the size of the completed Torah you would 
like, as well as the material from which you wish the Atzei Hayim made. 
Among the available materials are silver, mahogany, rosewood, oak and 
pine.  At no extra charge we include a Torah Mantle kit which is 
embroidered with the words: "This Magnificent Torah Was Hand Written by 
Plony ben Plony [Don't be concerned - We put your name in place of 
Plony]."  If you prefer other text just let us know.  
	With your order comes a 50% discount coupon for _Living Waters_, 
TE's home mikvah, so that you can immerse yourself at the proper time.
	 8.	Torah winder/rewinder.  Faster than the video tape 
version.  Battery operated for portability, or spring-activated for 
Shabbat.  Puts you where you need to be quickly so the Tzibur won't be 
inconvenienced by long waits.

	There's so much more we have available, but we can only offer a 
sampling.  So here's the TE potpourri.

	 1.	_Welcome Home Mezuzah_.  Plays "Hatikvah" when someone 
enters the house and "Exodus" when (s)he leaves.
	 2.	_The Everlasting Sabbath_.  Havdalah candle that relights 
when extinguished.  Lasts all evening allowing a romantic dinner or a 
Melavah Malkah.  Our deluxe model is guaranteed to last until the 
following Shabbat -- no matter what.  "Takes a blowing and keeps on 
glowing!"  Also available are our sneezing powder spices and dribble 
Cos for the _Havdalah Set From Hell_.
	 3.	 _Etz Chaggim Hi_ -- Science marches on!  This miracle 
myrtle has been grafted with branches of palm, willow and etrog to 
provide all the species needed for the celebration of 	the chag.  No 
more searching and hondling come yontif.  You have what you need in 
your own garden.  Need to refresh your lulav a couple of days in, or 
get some hoshanahs?  They're right outside.
		But wait!  That's not all.  What do you do on the second 
day of yontif when you need a new fruit?  Out you go again to find one 
ready for you.  Ditto Pesach and Shavuot.  New fruits synchronized to 
be there at the right times.  Each new fruit is different and one you 
won't find in your local stores at any time of the year, so it will 
certainly be new.  It's a regular shehechiyanu tree!
		But there's even more!  Tu b'Shvat presents an additional 
need, and _Etz Chaggim Hi_ will fill it for you, because there's one 
more graft on it -- bukser.  It's a tree for all seasons.  Buy one for 
each child born in your family and you'll have boughs for his/her 
chuppah.  You should always have simchas.  (NB: All trees are more than 
three years old and can be harvested immediately, in or out of 
Eretz	Yisrael.)
	 4.	_EasyDrey_ -- It's so difficult for young children, and 
even some adults, to get the hang of spinning a dreydel, so they become 
frustrated or miss out on the fun of the most important part of 
Hanukkah.  But it doesn't have to be that way.  _EasyDrey_, the only 
dreydel with a training wheel, will spin the first time and not fall 
over.  Your child will have rush of pride at being able to do it just 
like everyone else.   That success at dreydel will certainly give him 
or her the self-confidence to go on to successes in other aspects of 
life.  It's a small investment with unlimited potential.  _EasyDrey 
Turbo_, with its own motor included, will also be available next year.  
This new model is guarranteed to spin for as long as you wish, allowing 
the game to go on for a longer period of time, giving you freedom from 
the children while you pursue other responsibilities.
	 5.	Purim Costumes just in time for the season.
		 a.	Vashti or Lady Godiva
		 b.	The Emperor's New Clothes  	(Crown not included.)
	 6.	_Chametz-B-Gone_ -- Finally!  An end to the drudgery of 
cleaning for Passover.  Just one can of _Chametz-B-Gone_ for each room 
and the work is done.  Place can in the center of the room, close the 
windows, press the "activate" button and go out to the mall for pizza 
and an afternoon of guilt-free shopping.
	 7.	_Tissues B'Av_ -- Tissues with images of ancient 
Jerusalem.  "If you're going to cry over Jerusalem, you should cry over 
Jerusalem."  Packed in a beautifully decorated tissue b'ox.
	 8.	_B'di Oved: The Book of Leniencies_.  Written by the 
revered Ba'al Hakulot, this volume delineates the literature of lenient 
positions on virtually all subjects.  If you are obliged to follow the 
rulings of a single ra
bbi, this is the one.
	 9.	_Reuven's Rules of Order_:  It reads from right to left so 
everything is backwards.  The only rulebook in which Minchah takes 
precedence over a motion to table.
	10.	_Beged Ish_ -- Our new line of designer clothes for women.
	11.	_EverAlert Pendant_ -- Do you worry that an elderly 
relative or friend, one who is living alone, might fall or otherwise be 
incapacitated and have no way to let you know?  TE's _EverAlert 
Pendant_ to the rescue.  Worn around the neck or as an attractive piece 
of jewelry, the pendant need only be squeezed to send out emergency 
telephone messages to you, the wearer's doctor and Rabbi, and to the 
president of the Chevra Kadisha.  
	12.	"Twelve days!  I need a break."  And we have it.  _Niddah 
Break_ gives your wife spray-on protection so that you (or any other 
man) can touch her at that awkward time.  Comes in different NPF's 
depending on your degree of observance.  NPF of 1 for the average Jew, 
10 for Young Israel, 50 for Satmar, etc.  Every spray can comes with a 
discreet lapel pin designating your level of protection.  (NS1, NS10, 
NS50, etc.)
	13.	_Simcha Chair_ with a seat belt so you won't be nervous 
when they carry you around.
	14.	_Get Happy_ -- We celebrate the making of a marriage with 
much pomp and ceremony, often spending large sums for the most 
sumptuous of Ketubot.  Sometimes, though, the dissolution of a marriage 
is more important to those involved than its inauguration.  In that 
circumstance similar recognition should be given to the occasion and we 
have one way.  Let us prepare a beautifully decorated hand calligraphed 
Get that will be the envy of all your friends.  Even if you're happily 
married, it's almost worth a divorce to own a _Get Happy_ document.  It 
shows that someone cared enough to get the very best.
	 15.	Is a chassenah coming up?  You'll need a plate for the 
t'naiim, but will it break when it should?  Will its sharp edges cause 
any injuries?   And will there be enough pieces to go around?  
_BreakAway_, TW's pre-scored t'naiim plate is just what you need.  
Breaking is easy and with the scoring you're guaranteed as many pieces 
as you'll need -- all with smooth edges for your protection.  You want 
the video to be perfect, so make sure you're prepared with _BreakAway_. 
Don't settle for anything less.
	16.	Kittels and shrouds -- 	"I wouldn't be caught dead in 
that!"  How often have you said that about a garment?  And you 
undoubtedly meant it.  But how can you be sure your wishes will be 
respected?  Simple.  Judaism has always been a practical religion and, 
as Ben Bag Bag said, "everything is in it."  What's the answer and 
where can you find it?  It's the designer Kittel and you know that 
Taleisim West is the place to go to make your selection. Styles include 
Western, Monogramed, and models having stripes on the sleeve to 
indicate degree, a lodge or college coat of arms, your business logo or 
photos of grandchildren.  One of our popular models is our _Eartha 
Kittel_ in brown.  And don't forget to store that new shroud in _Your 
Old Kittel Bag_.
	17.	 Cohen/Levi Kit:  We live in an egalitarian age.  The 
religious boundaries between men an women are falling and so should 
those which divide us into castes.  Learn how to be a cohen or levi and 
move up.  (Formal ordination provided by Rabbi Moshe Now of the Now 
Institute of New Judaism.  A beautiful laminated certificate is 
included with the kit.)
	18.	Kapores chickens.  Swung daily from birth and then 
rewarded with a tasty treat, our chickens look forward to being swung.  
Perform the mitzvah without guilt with this Taleisim East exclusive.
	19.	The Internet is here, and with it we have greatly expanded 
opportunities to reach out and teach someone.  Who better, at this time 
in our history, than our brothers and sisters in the former Soviet 
Union.  Hence _ChavRussky_, TE's new service to find learning partners 
in Russia for talmidim on this side of the Atlantic.  Utilizing our 
powerful computer, the world famous LitVAX, we have established a Web 
site with enough capacity to serve 613 pairs simultaneously, while 
offering on-line, for immediate reference, all known S'forim.  Click on 
the Rebbe icon if you need clarification of an obscure point and we'll 
try to wake him up.
	20.	_SouperBlech_: Better than the water-filled blech which 
allows the reheating of cold dry foods, the _SouperBlech_ has an 
additional compartment on top which can be filled with chicken soup (no 
matzoh balls, please) before Shabbat and then tapped when needed.  The 
air-tight compartment prevents any evaporation so there's plenty all 
day long.  _Model Tea SouperBlech_ has a third section for additional 
hot water which can be used to keep water hot all day so you can always 
have a glass of tea.  Additional sections available for all your needs. 
Glass dividers separate milchig and fleishig reservoirs.

	And finally, a couple of services which you'll wonder how you 
ever did without.  Taleisim East wants to be your be your provider of 
Jewish services as well as Jewish products and here are our first two 

	 1.	_Not Just Kaddish_ -- If your schedule is too complicated 
for you to meet some of the time requirements for prayer, we'll be 
happy to help out.  Some services will say kaddish for you, but you're 
not satisfied.  You need more.  Enter _Not Just Kaddish_ (formerly 
_Prayers by Proxy_)!  Problem solved.  We'll say the Sh'ma if you can't 
get up early enough, or get in that minchah that has to be said before 
that big meeting is over.  	
	We also perform other important services for you.  We can fast in 
your name, listen to the shofar or shake the lulav for you among other 
rituals.  If you need something done but can't be bothered, bother us.  
We'll help pave the way for you to fulfil the mitzvot with the least 
inconvenience.  It's liberating and fulfilling to know that even though 
you did not miss that critical session at the office, Shacharit was 
said in your name, and that on Tisha B'Av, while you were having that 
Reuben Sandwich, someone was fasting for you.  It doesn't cost much, 
but how rewarding it is.  
	 2.	_You Can Take It With You_ -- You've heard it said so 
often that you can't take it with you, but what's the evidence that 
it's true?  Is it simply that some Pharoahs had artifacts still in 
their tombs, apparently not carried with them.  Of course they failed, 
but not because their concept was wrong -- only its execution.  They 
simply didn't have the connections on the other side.  Recently Rabbi 
Now's nephew's best friend's cousin, a Harvard MBA, had a heart attack 
and was clinically dead for three minutes and forty-one seconds.  Not 
long enough to cause damage once he was resuscitated, but long enough 
to establish connections with some late friends from Cambridge.  
Together they have established a heavenly import/export business known 
as _Plan Ahead_.  Now we Jews not only control all the banks in this 
world, but in the world to come.  And by special arrangements avail-
able exclusively through TW, you can plan not only for your retirement, 
but your interment and beyond.  Simply transfer funds to our special 
_FutureFund_, and we'll take care of all the arrangements.  Then, when 
you're ready to meet your Maker, you'll be able to get to the front of 
the line and arrange the best housing and feasting.  And you can even 
get to learn with the most learned of our scholars.  Remember, 
everything you do down here can be written in a book up there.  Sign up 
now and send us all your money.  What have you got to lose?  (For 
review and confirmation of the account waiting for you, you can check 
by internet while still here.  Using the account number you receive 
when you sign up, you can address your inquiries to:   
                    [account number]@futurefund.olamhaba.org.)
You can also contact us at our Home Page on the Other-world Wide Web:

Let us know what additional products you'd like to see in our catalog.  
Remember:  If it's good for the Jews, you can get it from Taleisim 


End of Volume 23 Issue 31