Volume 23 Number 31
Produced: Mon Mar 4 6:24:24 1996
Subjects Discussed In This Issue:
mail.jewish Purim edition (Part 2)
[Sam Saal]
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From: Sam Saal <saal@...>
Date: Wed, 28 Feb 1996 15:38:54 -0500 (EST)
Subject: mail.jewish Purim edition (Part 2)
From: Shmuel Himelstein <himelstein@...>
Subject: chumra of the week
Date: Fri, 23 Feb 1996 15:39:43 +0200 (IST)
Mehadrin min hamehadrin min hamehadrin is pleased to present:
The Chumra of the Week Club.
Are you jealous of Yankel's Chumras?
Do you want to go one (or more!) better than Shmerl?
Have you ever been tongue-tied when asked: "Maybe you have a
new little Chumraleh for me?"
If you have been faced by any of these dreadful scenarios, JOIN
UP NOW!
Chumrah of the Week Club is a new concept in real, authentic
Yiddishkeit.
Upon joining, we will immediately send you - as your
introductory selection - the choice of three Chumras in
any of our present-day Chumra fields (more to be added
later).
Choose from Chumras in:
Fleishigs
Milchigs
Davening
Clothing
Tefillin and Tzitzit (special introductory offer - both count
as one)
and many more.
(Sorry, due to market economics, we must limit ourselves to Bain adam
lamakom.)
After receiving your three introductory Chumras, you will
receive, each week by mail, a new, EXCITING additional Chumra which
you can immediately put into use. Within a short time you will have
amassed a Chumra list that will amaze your friends and make you the
envy of your Kollel or Shul.
Our guarantee: if the Chumra we send you is inappropriate for
ANY reason, you are entitled to exchange it within 7 days of receipt
for a new Chumrah of your choice.
Reasons for exchange include:
You are already observing a Chumra of equal or greater
stringency (unlikely - our Chumras are pre-selected for their
uniqueness and stringency).
Your neighbor is already observing a similar Chumrah, heaven
forbid.
You want to be the first one in your community with this
Chumra.
We can assure you that all our Chumras are of the highest quality. We
have a full-time staff busy combing the Bar Ilan CD ROM for the most
obscure Chumros. (For an added fee, we can guarantee a personal Chumra
taken from a source other than the CD ROM - guaranteed to be unique and
to amaze all your friends.)
To apply for Chumra of the Month Club, please fill out the following
form scrupulously:
Name________ ben ______ ben ______ ben _____ (Sorry, anyone unable to
supply genealogical data for the past four generations is not
eligible).
Address: _______
Phone:________
To custom-tailor your Chumra selection, please fill in the following:
Litvak? ____ Chassid? _____ FBB? (Frum Before Birth?)____
Nusach: Ashkenaz ____ Sefarad ____
Check the type of Chumras you wish to receive:
a) Regular ____
b) Super-frum ____ (add 50%)
Even greater uniqueness available - check with us for full details. All
correspondence in this regard will be kept in the strictest confidence.
Among the obscure Chumras we have found for our many overjoyed
customers, we have used the following literary sources: the "Pi
Ha'ason," the "Al Tagidu Be'gas," and the "Shtus Vehevel."
DON'T WAIT ANOTHER MINUTE: Join the Chumra of the Week Club NOW, and
change your entire life style, while serving as a source of heavenly
envy for all your friends.
Remember our motto: "'Yiras Shamoyaim' means fear of what the other guy
will say."
Shmuel Himelstein
<himelstein@...>
From: <rrosen@...> (Richard Rosen )
Date: Tue, 27 Feb 1996 19:49:04 -0800
Subject: TALEISIM EAST
TALEISIM EAST
Once again this year Taleisim East, America's leading Judaica
emporium, is pleased to offer to its friends on Mail-Jewish a sampling
of unusual and desirable items of Jewish interest. Because we under-
stand the needs of all Jews, irrespective of their affiliations, we
have achieved the kind of reputation we truly deserve.
For 5756 we are featuring a wide variety of Tefillin. What
follows are just a few varieties of these holy boxes, along with items
of related interest.
1. The modern Jew is as health conscious as are all
Americans, and busier than most. Thus it's a real blessing to be able
to combine exercises of the soul with those of the body for efficiency.
How can this be done? With _Rite Vibes_, our new vibrating Tefillin!
This miraculous innovation allows you to tone your body while you
intone your prayers. It's a wonder no one thought of it before.
2. Another modern time saver is _Knot No More_, our new
pre-wrapped tefillin -- slip on, slip off.
3. And an even faster way of getting the feeling of the
morning even if you lack both the time and the dedication is with
Taleisim East's new-as-the-morning-paper Tefillin Press. Just slide
your arm in and push the button. It gives you that authentic "I just
davened" look without the hassle.
4. You may, on the other hand (or is it the other arm?)
prefer not to leave evidence for all to see. That's a problem simply
solved with our all new velvet covered straps to avoid unsightly
tefillin marks. We're the store that has something for everybody!
5. Don't you just hate it when you see those holier than thou
guys put on two sets of tefillin as if to show up everyone else? Don't
get mad, get TE's newly available _Rabbenunu Tam Tam Tefillin_. Since
the recent discovery that Rabbenu Tam's grandson followed a third
tradition regarding the arrangement of parchments, we have been able to
offer this important addition to your arm-amentarium (sorry) of ritual
objects, giving our customers the opportunity to don three sets of
tefillin. That will put you one a-head (I did it again, didn't I?) of
those show-offs. And don't get just one set. This is the perfect gift
for the man who thinks he has everything.
6. You're a vegetarian -- no, not just a vegetarian, a Vegan.
You don't even wear leather or wool, let alone have furniture
upholstered with Nauga hides. And all of your spare time is devoted to
having the polyester declared an endangered species. You're playing
for keeps! But the tefillin you wear: what about the scrolls and the
leather batim and straps? What's a Vegan to do? Simple! Get yourself
_Tofillin_ -- the tofu based phylacteries (whatever that means). 100%
vegetable based, but indistinguishable from the real thing. Now you
can pray without preying. (Also from TW, tofu based mezzuzot and
Torahs.)
Your shul will also want to take advantage of some of our new
products, especially our Torahs and Torah accessories.
1. _Electronic Torah Reader_ -- No ba'al koreh? No sweat!
This electronic miracle reads itself. The system scans either through
the yad or via an overhead text reader. With your back to the
congregation they'll think it's you who's leyning. Comes with male or
female voices (or can include only male if Kol Ishah is a problem) --
specify SATB and annual or triennial cycle. But that's not all. Blow
your friends away at your child's Bar/Bat Mitzvah. The _Electronic
Torah Reader_ also comes with adolescent male and female voices which
will save a lot of preparation time so your darling can go to Little
League or ballet practice rather than waste time learning.
2. _Video Torah_ -- Not every congregation can afford a Torah
with a cost of tens of thousands of dollars. TE's _Video Torah_ is the
answer for them. The "scroll," when opened up, reveals a video screen
connected to a VCR which is playing our new Torah Tapes. The Rimonim
are actually antennae, so the system can be used for conventional
reception when the Torah isn't being read, and, in addition, _Video
Torah_ is cable ready. Sephardic version opens and stands on the bimah
where it can be seen and followed by the entire congregation. Whether
Ashkenazic or Sephardic, the Video Torah can be linked to the
_Electronic Torah Reader_ in our unique package, _The Eternal Word_.
3. _YadMan_ -- Even if you've got an acomplished reader,
there are times that help is needed. Our remarkable helping hand
detects light levels in shul and turns on a finger-tip light if the
level is low. And it also contains a pen tip for correcting errors in
the sefer. Comes in right and left-handed models.
4. _Torah Lite_ -- With posts and handles made of graphite,
and parchment from thin-skinned calves, this is a Torah that anyone can
lift without getting a hernia. Isn't that a killah!
5. _LoTignov_ -- Police recommend this anti-Torah-theft
device. Incorporated into the poles, this electronic transponder can
be triggered if your scroll is stolen. When Rabbi S_______ discovered
that one of his temple's scrolls had been taken he alerted the Torah
Police and within an hour it was located and reclaimed before anyone
had a chance to say a brochoh over it or to read from it. It's now
safely back in its proper place with the other seventeen scrolls and
can be seen annually when the ark is open on Simchat Torah.
6. Every now and again one of your shul's torah scrolls is
found to be posul, and while it's still in the aron the practice is to
tie the gartel around the outside. Wouldn't it be nice to have one
specially for the occasion? Well, we wouldn't discuss a need unless we
could fill it. And we can. Decorated with the universal "Don't" sign,
a red circle with a diagonal line on a white background, suspended
below the cord this item boasts an extra warning sign in pure silver
plate. The sign can read, "Down, but not out," "Close but no cigar,"
"Letter Imperfect," "Deal me out," or whatever indication of the
scroll's nature that you would like. Chas v'chalila you'll need this
item, but far worse to be without if you do need it.
7. We are all commanded to write our own Torahs, but how many
of us do? Who but a trained sofer has the skill and patience? Now you
can do it too. _Torah Perfect_ makes it possible for anyone to write
his own Torah, and every one is a masterpiece. How do we do it? We
commissioned one of the greatest and most artistic sofrim in the
business to produce the outlines of every letter in the sacred scroll
using all the bells, whistles and flourishes that have made him famous
both in this world and the world to come. We have transferred his work
onto fully sewn and mounted parchments which make up the entire Sefer
Torah. The parchments are mounted on beautifully crafted Atzei Hayim
and all that remains is for you to fill in the letters using the quills
and inks that come with your order. So that there will be no damage
caused if you should inadvertently write outside the lines, apart from
the outlined letters, the entire parchment is coated with a washable
shellac which prevents the absorption of ink anywhere but its intended
place. You could even spray paint the parchment and wash off the excess
ink afterward, but that's not quite in the spirit of the endeavor. When
ordering, please specify the size of the completed Torah you would
like, as well as the material from which you wish the Atzei Hayim made.
Among the available materials are silver, mahogany, rosewood, oak and
pine. At no extra charge we include a Torah Mantle kit which is
embroidered with the words: "This Magnificent Torah Was Hand Written by
Plony ben Plony [Don't be concerned - We put your name in place of
Plony]." If you prefer other text just let us know.
With your order comes a 50% discount coupon for _Living Waters_,
TE's home mikvah, so that you can immerse yourself at the proper time.
8. Torah winder/rewinder. Faster than the video tape
version. Battery operated for portability, or spring-activated for
Shabbat. Puts you where you need to be quickly so the Tzibur won't be
inconvenienced by long waits.
There's so much more we have available, but we can only offer a
sampling. So here's the TE potpourri.
1. _Welcome Home Mezuzah_. Plays "Hatikvah" when someone
enters the house and "Exodus" when (s)he leaves.
2. _The Everlasting Sabbath_. Havdalah candle that relights
when extinguished. Lasts all evening allowing a romantic dinner or a
Melavah Malkah. Our deluxe model is guaranteed to last until the
following Shabbat -- no matter what. "Takes a blowing and keeps on
glowing!" Also available are our sneezing powder spices and dribble
Cos for the _Havdalah Set From Hell_.
3. _Etz Chaggim Hi_ -- Science marches on! This miracle
myrtle has been grafted with branches of palm, willow and etrog to
provide all the species needed for the celebration of the chag. No
more searching and hondling come yontif. You have what you need in
your own garden. Need to refresh your lulav a couple of days in, or
get some hoshanahs? They're right outside.
But wait! That's not all. What do you do on the second
day of yontif when you need a new fruit? Out you go again to find one
ready for you. Ditto Pesach and Shavuot. New fruits synchronized to
be there at the right times. Each new fruit is different and one you
won't find in your local stores at any time of the year, so it will
certainly be new. It's a regular shehechiyanu tree!
But there's even more! Tu b'Shvat presents an additional
need, and _Etz Chaggim Hi_ will fill it for you, because there's one
more graft on it -- bukser. It's a tree for all seasons. Buy one for
each child born in your family and you'll have boughs for his/her
chuppah. You should always have simchas. (NB: All trees are more than
three years old and can be harvested immediately, in or out of
Eretz Yisrael.)
4. _EasyDrey_ -- It's so difficult for young children, and
even some adults, to get the hang of spinning a dreydel, so they become
frustrated or miss out on the fun of the most important part of
Hanukkah. But it doesn't have to be that way. _EasyDrey_, the only
dreydel with a training wheel, will spin the first time and not fall
over. Your child will have rush of pride at being able to do it just
like everyone else. That success at dreydel will certainly give him
or her the self-confidence to go on to successes in other aspects of
life. It's a small investment with unlimited potential. _EasyDrey
Turbo_, with its own motor included, will also be available next year.
This new model is guarranteed to spin for as long as you wish, allowing
the game to go on for a longer period of time, giving you freedom from
the children while you pursue other responsibilities.
5. Purim Costumes just in time for the season.
a. Vashti or Lady Godiva
b. The Emperor's New Clothes (Crown not included.)
6. _Chametz-B-Gone_ -- Finally! An end to the drudgery of
cleaning for Passover. Just one can of _Chametz-B-Gone_ for each room
and the work is done. Place can in the center of the room, close the
windows, press the "activate" button and go out to the mall for pizza
and an afternoon of guilt-free shopping.
7. _Tissues B'Av_ -- Tissues with images of ancient
Jerusalem. "If you're going to cry over Jerusalem, you should cry over
Jerusalem." Packed in a beautifully decorated tissue b'ox.
8. _B'di Oved: The Book of Leniencies_. Written by the
revered Ba'al Hakulot, this volume delineates the literature of lenient
positions on virtually all subjects. If you are obliged to follow the
rulings of a single ra
bbi, this is the one.
9. _Reuven's Rules of Order_: It reads from right to left so
everything is backwards. The only rulebook in which Minchah takes
precedence over a motion to table.
10. _Beged Ish_ -- Our new line of designer clothes for women.
11. _EverAlert Pendant_ -- Do you worry that an elderly
relative or friend, one who is living alone, might fall or otherwise be
incapacitated and have no way to let you know? TE's _EverAlert
Pendant_ to the rescue. Worn around the neck or as an attractive piece
of jewelry, the pendant need only be squeezed to send out emergency
telephone messages to you, the wearer's doctor and Rabbi, and to the
president of the Chevra Kadisha.
12. "Twelve days! I need a break." And we have it. _Niddah
Break_ gives your wife spray-on protection so that you (or any other
man) can touch her at that awkward time. Comes in different NPF's
depending on your degree of observance. NPF of 1 for the average Jew,
10 for Young Israel, 50 for Satmar, etc. Every spray can comes with a
discreet lapel pin designating your level of protection. (NS1, NS10,
NS50, etc.)
13. _Simcha Chair_ with a seat belt so you won't be nervous
when they carry you around.
14. _Get Happy_ -- We celebrate the making of a marriage with
much pomp and ceremony, often spending large sums for the most
sumptuous of Ketubot. Sometimes, though, the dissolution of a marriage
is more important to those involved than its inauguration. In that
circumstance similar recognition should be given to the occasion and we
have one way. Let us prepare a beautifully decorated hand calligraphed
Get that will be the envy of all your friends. Even if you're happily
married, it's almost worth a divorce to own a _Get Happy_ document. It
shows that someone cared enough to get the very best.
15. Is a chassenah coming up? You'll need a plate for the
t'naiim, but will it break when it should? Will its sharp edges cause
any injuries? And will there be enough pieces to go around?
_BreakAway_, TW's pre-scored t'naiim plate is just what you need.
Breaking is easy and with the scoring you're guaranteed as many pieces
as you'll need -- all with smooth edges for your protection. You want
the video to be perfect, so make sure you're prepared with _BreakAway_.
Don't settle for anything less.
16. Kittels and shrouds -- "I wouldn't be caught dead in
that!" How often have you said that about a garment? And you
undoubtedly meant it. But how can you be sure your wishes will be
respected? Simple. Judaism has always been a practical religion and,
as Ben Bag Bag said, "everything is in it." What's the answer and
where can you find it? It's the designer Kittel and you know that
Taleisim West is the place to go to make your selection. Styles include
Western, Monogramed, and models having stripes on the sleeve to
indicate degree, a lodge or college coat of arms, your business logo or
photos of grandchildren. One of our popular models is our _Eartha
Kittel_ in brown. And don't forget to store that new shroud in _Your
Old Kittel Bag_.
17. Cohen/Levi Kit: We live in an egalitarian age. The
religious boundaries between men an women are falling and so should
those which divide us into castes. Learn how to be a cohen or levi and
move up. (Formal ordination provided by Rabbi Moshe Now of the Now
Institute of New Judaism. A beautiful laminated certificate is
included with the kit.)
18. Kapores chickens. Swung daily from birth and then
rewarded with a tasty treat, our chickens look forward to being swung.
Perform the mitzvah without guilt with this Taleisim East exclusive.
19. The Internet is here, and with it we have greatly expanded
opportunities to reach out and teach someone. Who better, at this time
in our history, than our brothers and sisters in the former Soviet
Union. Hence _ChavRussky_, TE's new service to find learning partners
in Russia for talmidim on this side of the Atlantic. Utilizing our
powerful computer, the world famous LitVAX, we have established a Web
site with enough capacity to serve 613 pairs simultaneously, while
offering on-line, for immediate reference, all known S'forim. Click on
the Rebbe icon if you need clarification of an obscure point and we'll
try to wake him up.
20. _SouperBlech_: Better than the water-filled blech which
allows the reheating of cold dry foods, the _SouperBlech_ has an
additional compartment on top which can be filled with chicken soup (no
matzoh balls, please) before Shabbat and then tapped when needed. The
air-tight compartment prevents any evaporation so there's plenty all
day long. _Model Tea SouperBlech_ has a third section for additional
hot water which can be used to keep water hot all day so you can always
have a glass of tea. Additional sections available for all your needs.
Glass dividers separate milchig and fleishig reservoirs.
And finally, a couple of services which you'll wonder how you
ever did without. Taleisim East wants to be your be your provider of
Jewish services as well as Jewish products and here are our first two
offerings.
1. _Not Just Kaddish_ -- If your schedule is too complicated
for you to meet some of the time requirements for prayer, we'll be
happy to help out. Some services will say kaddish for you, but you're
not satisfied. You need more. Enter _Not Just Kaddish_ (formerly
_Prayers by Proxy_)! Problem solved. We'll say the Sh'ma if you can't
get up early enough, or get in that minchah that has to be said before
that big meeting is over.
We also perform other important services for you. We can fast in
your name, listen to the shofar or shake the lulav for you among other
rituals. If you need something done but can't be bothered, bother us.
We'll help pave the way for you to fulfil the mitzvot with the least
inconvenience. It's liberating and fulfilling to know that even though
you did not miss that critical session at the office, Shacharit was
said in your name, and that on Tisha B'Av, while you were having that
Reuben Sandwich, someone was fasting for you. It doesn't cost much,
but how rewarding it is.
2. _You Can Take It With You_ -- You've heard it said so
often that you can't take it with you, but what's the evidence that
it's true? Is it simply that some Pharoahs had artifacts still in
their tombs, apparently not carried with them. Of course they failed,
but not because their concept was wrong -- only its execution. They
simply didn't have the connections on the other side. Recently Rabbi
Now's nephew's best friend's cousin, a Harvard MBA, had a heart attack
and was clinically dead for three minutes and forty-one seconds. Not
long enough to cause damage once he was resuscitated, but long enough
to establish connections with some late friends from Cambridge.
Together they have established a heavenly import/export business known
as _Plan Ahead_. Now we Jews not only control all the banks in this
world, but in the world to come. And by special arrangements avail-
able exclusively through TW, you can plan not only for your retirement,
but your interment and beyond. Simply transfer funds to our special
_FutureFund_, and we'll take care of all the arrangements. Then, when
you're ready to meet your Maker, you'll be able to get to the front of
the line and arrange the best housing and feasting. And you can even
get to learn with the most learned of our scholars. Remember,
everything you do down here can be written in a book up there. Sign up
now and send us all your money. What have you got to lose? (For
review and confirmation of the account waiting for you, you can check
by internet while still here. Using the account number you receive
when you sign up, you can address your inquiries to:
[account number]@futurefund.olamhaba.org.)
You can also contact us at our Home Page on the Other-world Wide Web:
http://owww.beyond......
Let us know what additional products you'd like to see in our catalog.
Remember: If it's good for the Jews, you can get it from Taleisim
East.
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End of Volume 23 Issue 31
