Volume 57 Number 87
Produced: Thu, 25 Feb 2010 22:37:36 EST
Subjects Discussed In This Issue:
Purim: Administravia
[Ari Trachtenberg]
for Purim: message from Nigeria
[Andy Goldfinger]
Purim: segregated buses
[Yisrael Medad]
Purim: halacha high-tech
[Orrin Tilevitz]
Purim: Maseches Grynegznham
[Elie Rosenfeld]
Purim: Mishnah Choggoh
[Immanuel Burton]
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From: Ari Trachtenberg <trachten@...>
Date: Thu, Feb 25,2010 at 12:01 PM
Subject: Purim: Administravia
The submissions in this issue are all related to the upcoming holiday of
Purim [lots --MOD]. They are generally meant to be funny.
Nevertheless, we ask that you please understand that we are a broad
community, and that what may be funny to one person, may be
dull or even offensive to another (and this offense might itself be funny
to a third person).
Whatever your stance on the humor value of this issue, we apologize,
in advance, for our errors of judgement, and we provide our unconditional
offer for a full refund of your subscription fee.
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From: Andy Goldfinger <Andy.Goldfinger@...>
Date: Wed, Feb 24,2010 at 08:01 AM
Subject: for Purim: message from Nigeria
Hello -
My name is Rabbi Olabamu Wabatunji and I am the Morah D'Asra of Lagos,
Nigeria. Thank G-d, we are now forming a New Kollel for over 30 yungerleit and
their families, to be known as Kollel Yirei Areeos. We have collected significant
funding for the new building, and obtained the services of the well know
architect Moishe Ben-Pil, whose study of the first prakim of Shmos has made him
an expert of construction using mud bricks. Our funds currently exceed 13.5
[bullion --MOD] US dollars, which we must convert into Nigerian Nairas (NGN
1,822,500,000)
Due to your well know honesty and tzidkus [some Yiddish expression --MOD], we
are pleased to offer you an opportunity to take part in this great mitzvah [scam
--MOD]. Since we must deposit this money in an American bank account to begin
the currency conversion, we will gladly give you 10% of this money ($1,350,000)
if you will let us use yours. Simply reply to this email and send us the
following information:
Your social security number
The name of your bank, and your account number
The name of your next of kin
Your yichus [separation in a room with a member of the opposite gender --MOD]
Your hat size
How long you wait after eating fleishigs [meet --MOD]
My G-d bless you for your help, and may you have a freilech [young
woman --MOD] Purim
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From: Yisrael Medad <ybmedad@...>
Date: Thu, Feb 25,2010 at 10:01 AM
Subject: Purim: segregated buses
A solution for the 'segregated' buses demand, where men and women are
separated, men in front and women in back, has been found. The men
will simply sit on the laps of the women.
This complies with the two major stumbling blocks for which the
segregation was proposed. In the first instance, it is obvious that you
can't have it that the women sit on the laps of the men due to the
yeitzer hara, the evil inclination. The second is the need for pain.
This position causes women pain in the fulfillment of the instruction
of Genesis 3:16 <http://www.mechon-mamre.org/e/et/et0103.htm> - I will
greatly multiply thy pain and thy travail; And as our Rabbis of Great
Wisdom have noted: Rav Yisrael Yitzhak said: do not read 'travail' but
'travel'.
Yisrael Medad
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From: Orrin Tilevitz <tilevitzo@...>
Date: Wed, Feb 24,2010 at 06:01 PM
Subject: Purim: halacha high-tech
An expanding world of halachic high tech devices promise to transform the world
of traditional Jewish observance by solving previously insoluble problems.
Following are reviews of some recently-released gadgets.
1. Aliya La'aliya (Le'eila Le'eila)
Problem. A person is called by name to the Torah and doesn't respond because he
is asleep, talking, or otherwise engaged.
Solution: All chairs or benches in the synagogue are replaced with ejection
seats. A voice-recognition system attached to each seat recognizes the
permanent occupant's name. A switch in the seat cushion with a delay circuit
isriggered if no reduction in pressure is sensed within five seconds
(adjustable) of the VR system's "hearing" the occupant's name. Low power
rockets lift the chair up and propel it to the shulchan, directed by an internal
guidance system borrowed from cruise missile technology.
Review: At $50,000 per chair, pretty pricey, but it works as advertised. An
unplanned but touching moment occurred at a memorial service for a deceased
member, Mordechai ben Yair. The speaker mentioned his name, and exactly five
seconds later roar of rockets accompanied the flight of the deceased's empty
chair to the shulchan, where it gently touched down. Everyone in the
congregation was moved to tears. The neshomo truly had its final aliya.
2. Kol Chatzarmaves (The Voice at Death's Door)
Problem: You think you are at the point of death and for any of several reasons
can't summon the words to say your final prayers.
Solution: A little black box (actually, a converted digital answering machine)
programmed to play a recording of Yossele Rosenblatt reciting the shema and the
vidui.An Interfaith Edition has three tracks, including Luciano Pavarotti
singing Ave Maria and an unidentified muezzin, and comes with a certificate of
approval from Rabbi Haskell Lookstein. Advertised for use on crashing airplanes,
plunging elevators, if you get caught in an avalanche or a mob rubout, or you
are otherwise on your deathbed. You turn it on with a small switch
inconspicuously located on the underside. Unless you override it, the gadget
also turns on automatically if cabin pressure drops (leaving you free to reach
for the oxygen masks) or your altitude drops suddenly. To thwart
inquisitive El Al security agents, you press a more prominent switch on top of
the gadget and you hear the Star Spangled Banner.
Review: Cheap at $8.98 ($9.98 for the Interfaith Edition), but you'd best
disable the automatic trigger. The device went off as the reviewer's plane
descended to JFK after a flight from Israel. He was immediately surrounded by
four unsmiling El Al security agents and led off the plane in handcuffs into the
waiting arms of federal marshals.
3. Selichos Ejector Seat
Problem: When the congregation says selichos, during each piyut everybody
customarily sits, but then is supposed to rise to say kel melech and the shlosh
esrei midot. Some people stay seated.
Solution. The seat of each chair is replaced by a board (cushions optional),
the front underside of which has a hinged connection with the chair and the rear
underside of which has a strong spring and a latch. When a sensor "hears" the
cantor intone the four notes characteristic of the end of each piyut in the
ashkenazi nusach (dot-dot-dash-dot), the latch disengages and the seat pushes
the occupant into a standing position. The latch reengages when the occupants
sits down.
Review: $1,000 per chair, retrofitted; original construction is less.
In a field test, the hinge broke on a chair occupied by a 90-pound female when
the latch disengaged. The female, now an unguided missile (compare review of
Aliya La'aliya above), was propelled into a collision with the cantor,
scandalizing the rabbi and putting a premature end to the service, to the
immense relief of nearly everybody else.
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From: Elie Rosenfeld <rosenfeld.elie@...>
Date: Tue, Feb 23,2010 at 10:01 PM
Subject: Purim: Maseches Grynegznham
This first appeared a couple of years back on my blog, but it's definitely
MJ-worthy!
Maseches Grynegznham - by Elie Rosenfeld
(Credit - and thanks - to my son Shalom for the initial concept!)
Seder [Order] Seuss
Maseches [Tractate] Grynegznham
Perek Aleph [Chapter 1], "Amar Rav Samayam"
MISHNAH: Amar Rabbi Samayam - R. Samayam stated: Grynegznham asur b'achila -
it is prohibited to eat Grynegznham. Asur b'achila here or there. Asur
b'achila anywhere. Asur b'achila in a house or with a mouse. Asur b'achila
in a box or with a fox. Asur b'achila in a car or in a tree. Asur b'achila
on a train, in the dark, or in the rain. Asur b'achila with a goat, asur
b'achila on a boat.
GEMARA: Grynegznham: Mai mashmah - what does this mean? Amar Rav Grinch:
Notrikon - a compound word: "Green Eggs" and "Ham".
Mai "Green Eggs"?: Batzai sheretz ha'of yarok - the eggs of a green
non-kosher bird. Rav Sneech amar: Zeh anafah yarok - this is the *Green
Heron*
<http://www.birds.cornell.edu/AllAboutBirds/BirdGuide/Green_Heron_dtl.html>.
Rav Dolittle amar: Zeh tuki - this is the parrot.
Mai "Ham"? Basar davar acher - the flesh of a swine. V'lama nikra "ham" -
and why is it called "ham"? Because Ham son of Noach was meeyus b'drachav -
disgusting in his ways - so therefore the flesh of the most disgusting of
all creatures is called after his name.
Here: This is Eretz Yisroel. There: This is Bavel [Babylonia]. P'shita - it
is obvious that these forbidden foods may not be eaten in Bavel? Mahu
d'tayma - what might you have thought - that non-kosher beasts and birds are
only prohibited in the land of Israel, since other beasts and birds are used
for karbanos [sacrifices] there, therefore once must avoid these types, but
in Bavel they are permitted. Ka mashma lan - Rabbi Samayam therefore teaches
us that they are prohibited even in Bavel.
Anywhere: Mai marbeh - what does this come to include? Midinas Hachadashah -
the New World [America]. P'shita - it is obvious that these forbidden foods
may not be eaten there? Amar Rav Mcgurkus: Mahu d'tayma - what might you
have thought, that the prohibitions of the Torah do not apply in Midinas
Hachadashah, shene'emar [Deut 30] "lo me'ayver la'yam hee", "[the Torah] is
not found over the sea". Ka mashma lan - Rabbi Samayam therefore teaches us
that they are nevertheless prohibited, shene'emar "b'chol artzechem" - as
scripture states, "in all your dwellings", which includes even overseas.
In a house: P'shita - this is obvious? Mahu d'tayma - what might you have
thought - that these foods are forbidden only b'farhesia, in public, but
b'tzina, in private, they are permitted. Ka mashma lan - Rabbi Samayam
therefore teaches us that they are prohibited in private as well.
With a mouse: P'shita - this is obvious? Mahu d'tayma - what might you have
thought, d'amar kra "kol sheretz lo sochaylu" - that scripture states "do
not eat any creeping thing", and this forbids eating a sheretz which is
separate from oneself, but if one joins with a sheretz [such as a mouse],
one may eat another sheretz. V'dilmah hachi nami - but perhaps this is
indeed the case? Amar Rav Bim-n-ben: Im kayn echtov "sheretz lo sochaylu" -
if so, the Torah could have written "do not eat a creeping thing". Mai
"kol sheretz" - what is implied by stating "any creeping thing"? L'rabey ochel
sheretz im sheretz - to include this case of eating one sheretz in the presence
of another.
In a box: P'shita - this is obvious? Mahu d'tayma - what might you have
thought - that since the swine is referred to as "behaima temaiya"- an
"unclean" animal - makish tumah l'achila - that there is a connection
between ritual impurity and eating. And thus, just as a box with an airspace
of at least a tefach provides a chatitza [interposition] for tumah, it might
be supposed that it negates the prohibition of consuming forbidden food as
well. Ka mashma lan - Rabbi Samayam therefore teaches us that although a box
is a chatzitzah for the ritual impurity of a forbidden food, this does not
apply to its consumption.
With a fox: Mai "fox"? Amar Rav Knox: Min kelev arum - a type of sly dog.
P'shita - it is obvious [that one cannot eat Grynegznham with a fox]? Mahu
d'tayma - what might you have thought - that since the Torah states
"la'kelev tashlichun oso", that non-kosher flesh be cast to the dogs, that
one is then permitted to consume it after it was cast to a dog. Ka mashma
lan, she'amar "lakelev" v'lo "*im* kelev" - for scripture states "to the
dogs", but not "with the dogs".
In a car: P'shita - this is obvious? Mahu d'tayma - what might you have
thought - that since the Torah states "artzechem" - in your lands - that one
who is traveling from one land to another is permitted. Therefore, the Torah
states "b'chol artzechem" - anywhere in your land, even while traveling. But
"b'chol artzechem" was previously used to teach us that Grynegznham is
forbidden overseas? Amar Rav Hoponpop: Im kain lomar kra "*chol* artzechem"
- if so, scripture would have stated "*all* your lands". Mai b'chol
artzechem - what is implied by stating "in all your lands"? Shma minah
tartei - you can learn both items from this.
In a tree: P'shita - this is obvious? Mahu d'tayma - what might you have
thought - that since the Torah states "artzechem" - in your lands- that one
who is up in a tree is permitted. Therefore, the Torah states "b'chol
artzechem" - anywhere in your land, even in a tree. But "b'chol artzechem"
was previously used to teach us that it is forbidden in a car? Amar Rav
Lorax, ksiv hacha "b'chol artzechem" - it states here "in all your lands" ,
v'ksiv hasam "es kol ha'etz" - and it states elsewhere [Gen 1] "all trees".
Mah kan Grynegznham asur - just as here [on the land] Grynegznham is
forbidden, af kan asur - so also there [in a tree] it is forbidden.
On a train: P'shita - this is obvious? Mai shana car, mai shana train - on
what basis would one distinguish between a car [in which it was previously
proven that Grynegznham is forbidden] and a train? Amar Rav Choochoo, mahu
d'tayma, trei chatziztos havi v'shari - what might you have thought, that
[one who rides a train has] a double separation from the land [the vehicle
itself and the tracks], and it therefore is permitted. V'dilmah hachi nami -
but perhaps this is indeed the case? Im kain lomar kra "es hachazir" - in
that case scripture could have stated "the swine". Mai "v'es hachazir" - why
was "and the swine" written? Ka mashma lan, asur b'chol makom - it is
forbidden in all places [even doubly separated from the land].
In the dark: P'shita - this is obvious? Amar Rav Thing-one: Amar Kra: "Lo
Yira'eh Chametz" - scripture states that leavened foods may not be seen [on
Pesach]. V'din hoo - and behold, this would be a logical proof. Mah issur
chametz sheissur hana'ah hu, taluy b'ri'iyah- if the prohibition of chametz,
which is forbidden for all benefit, is connected with seeing - al achas kama
v'chama issur Grynegznham, she'rak issur achila hu - then how much more so
is the prohibition of Grynegznham, which is only forbidden for consumption,
dependent on seeing [and thus should be permitted in the dark]! V'dilmah
hachi nami - but perhaps this is indeed the case? Amar Rav Thing-two: Amar
kra - scripture states - "look what we found in the park, in the dark" -
makish [this connects] "park" to "dark". Mah kan asur, af kan asur - just as
it is forbidden in the former [i.e., on land], so too in the latter.
In the rain: P'shita - this is obvious? Amar Rav Twofish, mahu d'tayma -
what might you have thought - that since rain is a sign of bracha, that it
is also a sign from the Almighty that one's eating of Grynegznham is
likewise blessed. L'chain amar kra "lav bashamayim hee" - therefore
scripture states "it [the Torah] is not in heaven" - i.e., heavenly signs
are not to be utilized in deciding halachic issues. Rav Bluefish amar, havi
amina - it might have been assumed - k'shaim shepatur misukkah ki'sheyarad
geshamim, kach patur michol mitzvos - that just as one is exempt from the
Sukkah when it rains, so too one is exempt from other commandments. Ka
mashma lan - Rabbi Samayam therefore teaches us that this is not the case.
With a goat: P'shita - this is obvious? Mahu d'tayma - what might you have
thought - that since the Torah specifies a "si'eer lichatas" - "a goat for a
sin-offering" - that the sin of consuming Grynegznham is mitigated by eating
it with a goat. Ka mashma lan - Rabbi Samayam therefore teaches us that this
remains forbidden even in the presence of a si'eer - goat.
On a boat: P'shita - this is obvious? Mai shana car, mai shanah boat - on
what basis would one distinguish between a car [in which it was previously
proven that Grynegznham is forbidden] and a boat? Amar Rav Horton: Mahu
d'tayma - what might you have thought - that since a boat travels on water,
that it is not included under "b'chol artzechem" - in all your lands - and
Grynegznham is permitted. V'dilmah hachi nami - but perhaps this is indeed
the case? Amar Rav Whoville: Amar kra [Exod 20], "v'es ha'aretz, es hayam" -
scripture states "the land and the sea". Makish - this connects - "aretz" to
"yam"; just as Grynegznham is forbidden in the former, so too in the latter.
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From: Immanuel Burton <iburton@...>
Date: Wed, Feb 24,2010 at 12:01 PM
Subject: Purim: Mishnah Choggoh
Would it be possible to post a link in the Mail-Jewish Purim edition to a Purim
Torah that I wrote some years ago? It can be downloaded from:
http://www.policeboxes.com/purim
Thank you.
Immanuel Burton.
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End of Volume 57 Issue 87